A Million Steps Down
by Michelle Loves Chocolate 99
Summary: I can't hold back the tears anymore. I can't hold back the feelings either anymore. It just hurts too much. Way too much. I have to do this. It's for me, not you. Remember that. I can't handle this anymore. One-shot. Amian.


_**Hello readers! Just a short(very short) little one-shot that just popped in my head. This takes place after Cahills vs. Vespers 6: Day Of Doom. I know this doesn't happen in the real thing but it's fanfiction and it just popped in my head like two seconds ago.**_

**Disclaimer: _I do not own the 39 Clues like everyone else on this website._**

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_**A Million Steps Down**_

I stare at the stones. The voice in my head reads them over and over again in a mocking tone. It makes my want to scream. But I don't. Not in public. But this place isn't that public. There's only two other people here besides me. They probably won't complain about it either. We all grieve in different ways.

I refuse to cry.

I can't cry.

I won't cry.

Okay, now I'm crying, but is crying really such a bad thing to do? To be ashamed off? I'm not ashamed of it. I don't think I ever will be. My life is completely ruined so why can't I cry?

You probably think I'm stupid, and you probably are right. Don't judge me, please. I have reasons, and this voice isn't helping, it's supporting my decision.

**Natalie Kabra.**

**Isabel Kabra.**

It repeats them. It reminds me. Why can't it just go away?

The only people missing are me and my father, but does he really count? I don't even know where he is. Is he sad too? I hope so, he should be, but he probably isn't. If he truly loved us, he would be here. He would be with me.

Wouldn't he? Of course he wouldn't. It would just make it harder on him. I understand, though. I forgive him. I'll see him eventually and then maybe we could work things out. Hopefully.

I can't wait for him however. He should understand that, I hope he does. I have to move on. Take the next big step. I know it's not the best step to take. I know, it's not even a step up, it's a step down. A million steps down.

You'll forgive me, won't you? I can't go on like this. You know what it's like though. I know you do. You've lost your parents on the same day like I lost my mother and sister. I know my mother was responsible for that too, I'm sorry for that, but I love her. How could I not? She is my mom after all.

It hurts, you know? I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, shredded, then have the shreds be shredded into tiny shreds. It's not a lovely feelings really. I don't like it. I hate it.

I HATE IT!

I hate everything actually. Why is life so unfair? Why can't we just be a normal family? The Clue Hunt, it was fun, yeah, but I still hate it. If Gideon never invented that serum things would be A-Okay.

But. He. Did.

I hate him. He gave us life in a way, but in another way, completely destroyed it.

I know it's wrong, okay? I do. I swear on my favorite pair of trousers I know it's not the best choice. It's the worst, but I can't.

I. Can't. Go. On.

I don't know how you did it. You've lost your mom and your dad. Then you lost Grace. You didn't take a step backwards. You went up. You went on. I can't go on.

I. Won't. Go. On.

I'm sorry Amy, but I'm killing myself. Right here, right now. No one is here to stop me either. Those two people are on the other side of the cemetery and an ambulance won't be able to get here in time.

I'll see you. I know I will. Sooner or later, but hopefully later. I mean, like Grace's age later.

Goodbye Amy, and again, I'm sorry, but the voice in my head, it's just mocking me.

**Natalie Kabra.**

**Isabel Kabra.**

I can't handle it. It's the only way.

The only possible way.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm leaving you, but I'm not sorry I'm leaving the world. I'm not sorry. I'm not going to regret what I'm about to do.

Don't cry.

Do. Not. Cry.

I can't hold back the tears anymore. I can't hold back the feelings either anymore. It just hurts too much. Way too much. I have to do this. It's for me, not you. Remember that. I can't handle this anymore.

Good bye Amy Cahill.

_I crumpled the paper in my hand, stuffing it into my pocket while pulling out the black revolver. I had to do this. I couldn't go on. I wouldn't go on._

_I raised it to the top of my head, pressing it to my temple. It won't hurt. I wouldn't' be able to feel it, because I'd be dead that moment. I put my index finger on the trigger…_

_**POP!**_

_...and took a million steps down._

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_**I hope you all liked it. I had fun writing it. I'm not that big of an Amian fan but I do think these two make a great friendship and a ship the friendship wise. Please review and tell me what you think. If you hate it because he kills himself, that's not a good reason to hate it. Also I am American, and I don't know every single word spelling differences there are. So even though I wrote in Ian's point of view I used American English. **_

_**Please review and give me your feedback! It would be very appreciated! I also wrote another story for 39 Clues called the Telegram. It's a chapter fic.**_

_**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**_


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